i already hear my dad disowning me
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
