No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
