it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
