I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
