a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
