Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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