i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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