Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
