yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
