I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
