i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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