your parents love me but you hate me
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
