Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
