i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
