What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
