The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
