I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
True strength comes from lack of pants
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
