Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
