fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
