I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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