The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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