You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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