Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
