He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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