I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
