today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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