I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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