I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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