Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the day after is always just damage control
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
