I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
