Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
