Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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