Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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