brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
