Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
