Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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