3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
