So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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