i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just found puke in my bra..
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
