even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
