He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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