you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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