I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
