You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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