Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
