some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
