I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i believe in u and ur pee
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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