Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
