At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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