I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just high enough for therapy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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