you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
